those darn carbs

the sf chronicle has been...well...chronicling the saga of 454-pound, 17-year-old chelsey lewis as she became only the eighth minor to have gastric bypass surgery performed on her at stanford hospital. i was interested in this story because there were pictures. my favorite part was a quote towards the end of the article where lewis lamented, "the thing that really did me in was the carbs." not to be a dick or anything, but aren't we being a little unfair to carbs here?

oh, chelsey, i think it was more than the carbs, young lady.

the more evolved sex

i am by no means a self-loathing male. i enjoy manliness in a strictly heterosexual way (not like there is anything wrong with enjoying men in a homosexual way, but that is not for me). i believe in the feminist perspective even though it annoys me to hear it sometimes. this brings me to a phenomenon i have been witnessing over the past couple of months as i have been riding public transit (train) to school. i usually get to school pretty early, so i am part of the morning rush hour and usually never get a seat on the train. because it is too crowded sometimes to read a book while standing and i forget to bring music, i am 'forced' to partake in one of my favorite activities, people-watching. i people-watch on the train and try not to get caught looking at someone for too long. recently i have noticed that a lot of business-women put their make-up on while they are riding the train. now, this is no acela i am riding, this is a bumpy, stop-and-go, frequent stopping municipal transport system. it is dirty and not too comfortable.

i have been impressed most of all with the concentration and coordination it must take to do this. i mean, here these women are painting themselves delicately with little brushes and putting on lipstick at high speeds when the train could stop at any second and they could be turned from an executive into a clown. i have a hard enough time keeping my balance while the train is moving and finding a comfortable place to lean. the most impressive is the mascara...how the hell do they do that?!? if they were working from my skill set, they would attempt it once and then have to have someone else put mascara on them for the rest of their life because they would have blinded themselves that first time. so...hats off to you, 'putting make-up on in the morning on the train' ladies...your sheer concentration and coordination puts all others to shame.

most depressing restaurant ever

i like going out to eat. it is a fun activity, especially with loved ones. when my fiance (sorry ladies) and i had a friend visiting us, we all decided to go out for a quick bite to eat before our friend left for the airport. there is a thai restaurant near our house that has a neon sign advertising 'organic thai food' that we had been wanting to try, so we went there. ok, i know what you are thinking...come on, any restaurant with a neon sign should give you pause...well, you never know, and the fact that it was advertising organic thai food made us feel like our prospects were good. i mean, there were no signs with pictures of the food or anything, and we are always on the look-out for a great bargain.

during our dining experience, several depressing things happened that i think are worth nothing:

depressing thing number one: when we opened the 6-panel, fold-out menu, we were disappointed to discover that the organic menu was only really half of one panel and significantly more expensive than the rest of the food.

depressing thing number two: while waiting to have our orders taken, we looked next to us at the window sill and discovered one of the most foul window sills we have ever seen. this layer of filth was only matched by my college house window that had probably not been cleaned in several years. i mean, run a sponge over that or something, jesus.

depressing thing number three: while sitting at our table, the people behind us were having a pretty loud conversation that sounded like it was an intervention from the dr. phil show or something. our own conversation was peppered with overheard comments from this dysfunctional family (older mother and father and adult daughter) like, "you were never there for me," and "i took her away because you were drinking too much." yikes!

depressing thing number four: sad, really old guy took like an hour in the bathroom and then came out and took another hour to get back to his seat...stopping on the way back to his table to zip up his fly (and probably catch his breath).

depressing thing number five: a handicapped man walked in while we were finishing our food...i know, that is mean, but not really, it is still depressing, especially after all the other stuff that happened.

depressing thing number six: the food was neither good nor organic.

it was nice being with our friend, but we all took sleeping pills and stayed in the car while running it in the garage when we got back.

major banana hammock update!!!

this just in: scientists have recently engineered a brand-new package support system unparalleled by any men's bikini on the market today. ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on this.

banana hammock

i am in the market for a new place to live. it isn't urgent, but by the end of january i would like to have a new place to call home. the other day on craigslist i saw an apartment for rent in a more convenient location and for significantly less rent than i am paying now. i decided to take a looksy. i got there a few minutes early and rang up to the place. the guy showing the place (also the current resident) took sort of a long time to get the door which immediately made me suspicious. what the hell is taking him so long? maybe he was taking a nap...maybe he was in the shower...who knows. anyway, when i finally got up there, three things came to my attention. (1) the floor was lop-sided. not like 'oh, i can get used to this' lop-sided, but more like 'i have vertigo and i am going to be nausiated' lop-sided. this was a deal-breaker but i will continue. (2) all the windows were open. this takes me back to the guy taking a long time to get the door. maybe he was on the can...maybe he was smoking or something...i don't know, but it struck me as odd. (3) on the table next to the fridge was a banana hammock...like a real, mini-hammock, specifically designed to hold bananas and not a 'traditional' banana hammock. i thought this was brilliant and needed to comment. the conversation went as follows:

me: whoah! a banana hammock! ha ha, funny.
guy: yeah, bananas, do you want a banana?
me: no, i just thought the banana hammock was funny.
guy: yeah.

awkward? yesssss. i thought this completely sucked. this guy went out and bought this banana hammock without even knowing how funny it was. he could have bought one of those hooks to hang bananas on, but he bought this instead and had no idea that he was purchasing a purely genius kitchen accessory. i am going to be on the lookout for one of these puppies. oh banana hammock, you will be mine.

anyway, i didn't bid on the apartment. the floor was too tilted and there were no windows in the bedroom...another deal-breaker.

at the gym

i recently joined a gym. it was a really good deal, i swear. i fell into the classic "if i am spending money on this i will definitely go" motivation trap. anyway, as part of my membership i got six 'free' personal training sessions (one hour each). having never worked out with a personal trainer, i thought it was time to cash one of these bad-boys in this morning. i had a pre-training conference with my trainer, a.k. (a 20-year old aspiring basketball player who i later learned is living in his car at the moment), last week and set up a session for today at 9am. before my session i was to fill out some forms regarding my fitness goals, eating habits, etc...and bring them to our session today. the idea is that he is going to put them into some computer program and then print out sample menus and exercise regiments for me.

what is notable about my experience is not the workout that i got, which i must say was thoroughly painful and satisfying, but the way a.k. talks to me and about life in general. check it out:

at last weeks pre-training conference
me: hey, can i set up a training session for monday?
a.k.: oh, for sure, i feel you.
me: cool, is monday at 9am ok?
a.k.: for real. you know it. i can tell you lift already.
me: thanks. um, do i have to do anything else before then?
a.k.: yeah, fill them papers out. what are you looking for?
me: well, i want to get in shape, trim down, tone.
a.k.: oh, i feel you, man. you look good though.
me: thanks.
a.k.: i can tell you get girls. you could get any girl here for sure.
me: thanks. so monday then?
a.k.: yeah, peace.

before the training session this morning:
a.k.: so what do you do?
me: i am a student.
a.k.: i feel that. you know, i like school too.
me: it is important.
a.k.: also, you know, you being jewish and all, you have a gift for business and school and stuff like that, so if you work out hard and motivate yourself like you do for money and business, you will do good.
me: uh-huh.
a.k.: i know, becuase i'm jewish too. you are jewish, right?
me: yeah.
a.k.: oh, shit, that would have been whack if you weren't.

so now my motivation is not to get in shape or look better. when my energy is low i just imagine myself closing a lucrative business deal that will make me lots of money. that really makes me push it in the gym.

dirty

throughout college and since i've graduated, my closest friends and i have used the word 'dirty' on a regular basis to mean several different things. it became so much a part of our normal vocabulary with each other that i began to use the word in conversations and situations with people outside our close little group. sometimes i feel like our group of friends is like a little fringe community, speaking our own language and giggling like school girls at things no one else, including significant others, thinks is funny at all. anyway, the word 'dirty' is the classic example of this. the following are possible definitions of the word 'dirty' that i think are appropriate:

(1) soiled, as with dirt; unclean (the most boring and obvious)
(2) obscene or indecent (getting better, but still very widely accepted)
(3) a guilty indulgance (this is our catch-all, new definition)

examples of using the word 'dirty' following the third defintion:

Person A: "I was so wasted then I got home last night."
Person B: "Oh yeah, did you eat before you went to bed?"
Person A: "Yeah...[dramatic, guilty pause], I made Easy Mac."
Person B: "That is so dirty."
Person A: "I know."


Person A: "Where did you guys stay when you were in Knoxville?"
Person B: "Oh, we just stayed at the Motel 6."
Person A: "That's cool."
Person B: "Yeah, "Sniper" was on the Superstation."
Person A: "That movie is so dirty."
Person B: "Yeah it is."

i think you get the point. this post is exaclty the type of post that would benefit from comments. i think our defnition of 'dirty' makes a lot of sense and should be added to the young, hip lexicon.

inauguration

this is it. i have been thinking about starting something like this for a little while. some of my friends are doing it, so clearly that makes it a good idea. i would like to start this little piece of me with some commitments that i am making to this space. (1) this place will neither be a soapbox for political whining nor a blanky for crying about misfortune or missed opportunity. (2) i guarantee that everything on this blog will be funny or at least mildly amusing...to me. (3) while comments are welcome, my feelings will not be hurt by a lack of response from the voyeurs. i hearby stake my claim to this little piece of internet-land. enjoy responsibly.